Hey everyone! It’s 2070, the twilight years of the 21st century, and there’s never been a better time to make more money! Automation’s taken 90% of all the jobs, the old Millenials and Gen Z’ers are offing themselves in greater and greater rates, we’re in the fifth year of the Social Index Score, and the Basic Income program is about to be cut by 15%. Now, if you’re a pessimist, you can bitch and whine in your 8′ by 8′ cube apartment or on the communal toilets. Or, you can be like me and take advantage of the great opportunities in this environment. Without further ado, here are the top five ways to make money in 2070!
Number 1: Get your own social media star!
Remember fifty years ago when YouTube and Instagram fame was all the rage? No? Well, those stars made oodles of cash, just by degrading themselves in front of a camera! Now, since we have a pandemic of Social Anxiety Disorder, which I’m sure is unrelated to all of that stuff, we’ll have to take a different tack.
Never fear, android stars are here! You guessed it, our supremely-benevolent TwentyCent-Alphabet overlords have given us the opportunity to buy their AI-powered robots and do whatever we want with them! Personally, I got the Andrea model (bonus: Her name starts with an A, so she goes to the top of the search lists). She does everything. She dances! She sings! She pretends to have fun while taking selfies in exotic locations! All I do is set some overarching commands, and off she goes. To take advantage of this amazing offer, please place your sweaty hands here.
Number 2: Donate your consciousness.
Androids costing a little too much for you? There’s a great alternative! Donate your consciousness to their AI programs! It’s not just for cultural appropriators and microaggressionists anymore. For just an inconsequential bit of white brain matter, the AIs get a bit of processing power, and you get a whole bunch of cash! Let a little part of your soul express itself in the machinations of our truly benevolent and wise TwentyCent-Alphabet overseers. Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any resulting brain injury, traumatic or otherwise, resulting from this procedure.
Number 3: Burn books.
I can already hear you older folks groaning out there. Get with the times, people! Being attached to these things has been scientifically proven to be detrimental to your mental health. They’re boring and make you believe silly things. Ok, some of them might have good ideas, but the governments already stored the good ones, so you don’t have to worry about it! Forget those thoughts of censorship and let go of these relics. Remember, people who read them started the World Wars, racism, and masturbation. Plus, some of them might offend the sensibilities of Alphabet-sanctioned Identity Groups. Phew, getting on their bad side could do a number on your Social Index! So grab a firehose, find a library, and let the flames fly! You’ll help society and make a killing, too.
Number 4: Correct other people’s social media accounts.
Yes, you can make money by boosting other people’s Social Indices. Two factors are at play here. First, the Social Index program requires you to have at least five social media accounts. Second, Social Security payments are only given out when your score is above a certain threshold in Positive Social Influencing Factors. So, the old people are scrambling for ways to maximize their score. That’s where you come in. They will actually pay you to scour their histories to remove gloomy and depressing posts, pictures with ambiguous facial expressions, and videos where they say something that could be construed as insensitive. Those geriatric Millenials sure made a ton of blunders back then! Now, this sort of thing is not entirely legal, just to let you know. Make sure you invest in some sort of masking software, first.
Number 5: Make top 5 lists.
Man, I don’t know, either. People love this shit for some reason.
This is satire. If you’re reading this in 2070, please tell me things aren’t this bad.