Summary: In which I tell my experience of the Earth’s Last Day.
The Last Day on Earth was on a Tuesday. I made no eulogy, didn’t spout no tragic poetry, nor did I make any pompous bluster. I was just there to take readings. Don’t worry, no one else was there. Humanity, or whatever loose collection of humanoid-shaped organisms that called itself humanity, left Earth long before the sun even touched Mercury. What’s Mercury? Just look that up. No one was interested in Earth anymore. Not even in its death. No one except me, of course.
I guess you would have called me a historian. Not one that bloviated about mankind’s expansion into the heavens and how we ruined everything we touched or one that critiqued everything from the perspective of the fifth gender. More of an antiques collector, I suppose. But I digress.
It was a bright, sunny day. Of course it was a bright, sunny day! I could almost touch the sun, it was so huge. You’re wondering how I survived? How old are you? We weren’t that primitive back then. Our environmental suits could withstand temperatures that could boil skin a million times over. Great, you made me go off-topic again!
So, it was a bright, sunny Tuesday and I was the only one there. I wanted to record everything. The temperature, the radiation, the heavy elements. And the moment the Earth was vaporized, of course! While everyone else played strip poker in quasars, or snorted some substance that had gone through five buttholes, or bought an extra set of genitals with the last of their neo-Satoshis, or whatever we did for fun back then, I was doing Important Things. Primarily preserving the last vestiges of our ancient history. You know what your mother said to me when I told her I was doing this? She said I was the stupidest person in the galaxy and I could better spend my time by sucking-
What? You want to know what Earth was like? Well… it was a rock. It wasn’t like the Earth you read about in school. No vast oceans, no giant trees, no snow-capped mountains. They all melted or evaporated long before the Last Day. Let’s see. The air was thick. Really thick. I mean, sure, you could see the sun, but barely anything else. It was much like Venus in a way. Oh, don’t give me that blank stare. Surely you know about Venus? Well, look it up later, this is Earth we’re talking about.
So, yeah, I was there in person. I walked, floated, and swam in that mess. I worked a long time that day. So long that I recycled and drank my own urine twice over. You see, I set up these observation stations all around the planet, but they kept on malfunctioning on account of the heat. I sent some drones to check, but they started malfunctioning too. The only tech that worked without a hitch was the environmental suit. You should be thankful. Without it, I’d be a mass of hydrogen particles and you wouldn’t exist. Praise Musko Industries!
I can tell you’re impatient, so I’ll wrap this up. Yeah, the sun vaporized Earth. No, I wasn’t on it. I got off before the grand finale and watched it all from Mars. Earth was a tiny spec, even with full zoom on the external cameras. The sun kept expanding, that giant red blob of fire was all that I could see. When it reached Earth, there was no dramatic explosion, no magic puff of gas. Just… gone. No more Genghis Khan. No more Atlantic Slave Trade. No more Cold War. No more Cyberpunk Age. No more Crypto Rebellions. Really? You don’t know what those are? You gotta be kidding me! Kids these days…
Photo Credit: The Sun and The Earth by dpika. Licensed under CC-BY-2.0. Original source via Flickr.